After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was
awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty
good show for a dollar."

Just in case you wondered how the fight started...


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________


I asked my wife,
"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time "she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No, "she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend..."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust".

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes, "she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
'My God" I said,
"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting that I
should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
drive way."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

nice ones lol

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX,
and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his
shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow
process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I
admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA
Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask:
"Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very
good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed.

We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town
when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress,
"I'll have the 24."

"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal
number."

"Oh," he said. "In that case give me the 12."

THE ULTIMATE RESPONSE TO A DEAR JOHN LETTER

An Army ranger was deported to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she has had two different boyfriends while he had been gone. She wanted to break up and she wants the pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.



The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......



The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

On the first day of a skiing vacation, the girl fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"

The doctor replied, "This IS your last day of skiing."

Not really funny as in a joke or a riddle but a different kind of humor
============================================

I was golfing with a soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan.
His plans included becoming a greens keeper once he was discharged in
a few months. He applied to a local college for its golf course
superintendent program, but the department chair worried that he
might not be up for the job. "It's stressful," he said. "You have to
fight the weather, insects and demanding club members."

"Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?" asked the soldier.

"Of course not."

"I'll take the job."

The Good Husband


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he'd done something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin, next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!!


Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son....what happened last night?'

Son replies:

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4..20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS ! ! ! ! !

Weapons of Math Destruction.. (Spoof!)

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK

A public school teacher was
arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to
board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a
slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press
conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been
charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in
every country.'

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to
every triangle'.


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes..'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent
or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

When I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges and Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two guys are sitting in a bathtub.
One says to the other,
"Can you pass me the soap?".

The other guy says,
"What do you think I am, a radio?".

^_^

^ huh?
===========================================================

Nordakota


Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts..

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the
flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers.
They asked us to guess the total number of years the three
of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the
announcement:

"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came
closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger
in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off
the plane once we are airborne."

Frog Noises
========================================
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother

to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs
ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma

comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon

as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World !”

Bless da South‏
=========
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and
I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'
==================================================
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked..
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they
inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.... 'But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!'
=================================================
Texas
The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
into the ditch. The sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, 'cause it says 'Fine
For Dumping Garbage'.

A Little Christian Humor

This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days,
and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured,
and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate, 'Wait!' he screamed, 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES.....

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

This guy get's a call from his step sister,
and she says "Hey, I'm stranded out here with a flat tire. Can you help me out?"

The guy says, "Sure! Where are you at?"
She says "I'm on 4th and Spruce."

So he shows up, and she says "Wow! I thought I was going to be out here forever!"
The guy says, "Eh, it didn't take me long to get out here. It wasn't a problem."

She says, "So, what's mom doing today?"
The guy says, "What do you think this is? One guy handing another a guy a radio? Cause they were in a bathtub."

^_^

A very touching story....



As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.



There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place.... I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played 'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.



Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.



As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen anything like that before..... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years...."

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.

Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"