Gorlim (OMW) wrote:

Riddle.

What flies when it's on and floats when it's off?

I dunno
===================================

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son,
after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was still asleep under
general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn
nursery to introduce him to his daddy.

While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears
conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern
that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo."

The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and
the ears could be easily corrected during childhood. The father
still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding
ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I
placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket
back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and
gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing
on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get
off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the
corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act,
the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Riddle me this?

What is greater than God
More evil than the devil
The rich need it
The poor have it
And if you eat it you will die?

FYI, 80% of kindergarten children got the right answer, but only 17% of University graduates got it.

oldschooldoom wrote:

Riddle me this?

What is greater than God
More evil than the devil
The rich need it
The poor have it
And if you eat it you will die?

FYI, 80% of kindergarten children got the right answer, but only 17% of University graduates got it.

Nothing

That was quick. Ding ding, we've got a winner.
Riverrat is the smartest kindergartener among us

Riddle:

It's green outside, red inside and can go through walls.

oldschooldoom wrote:

That was quick. Ding ding, we've got a winner.
Riverrat is the smartest kindergartener among us

But I'm not smarter then a 5th grader.

What comes once in a minute, twice
in a moment, but never in a
thousand years?

Riverrat wrote:

What comes once in a minute, twice
in a moment, but never in a
thousand years?

>>>M<<<

Riverrat wrote:

What comes once in a minute, twice
in a moment, but never in a
thousand years?

M

Exhumed and Matt both got it.

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

The next Sunday, he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

An easy one that is over 2000 years old-

At night they come without being fetched,
And by day they are lost without being stolen.

Stars come out at night


This might be easy for some-

The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place.

e

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Here's a riddle my dad told me when I was a kid. Correct spelling is essential:

"Railroad crossing, watch out for the cars"
can you spell that without any R's?

^_^

Hguols wrote:

Here's a riddle my dad told me when I was a kid. Correct spelling is essential:

"Railroad crossing, watch out for the cars"
can you spell that without any R's?

^_^

^I forgot about THAT riddle for so long THAT it made me pause for a moment. I think my father told THAT one to me too.

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in". We will have steel helmets for those who think
the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We
will have hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talks too
softly", and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. Score
cards will be provided for those who wish to list hypocrites present.
Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go
visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go
to Church and cook dinner also. One section will be devoted to trees
and grass for those who like to see God in Nature. Finally the
Sancuary will be decorated with both Christmas pointsettias and
Easter Lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

Sadly, the mother-in-law dies. He goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it will cost over $5000, whereas she can be buried in the Holy Land for only $750.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guys say, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here. Three days later, he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!".

'Nuff said.

Joe was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in
the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with
whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just
a few years, my father will pass, and I'll inherit his large fortune."

Impressed, the woman took his business card. Three months later, she
became Joe's stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

oldschooldoom wrote:

Joe was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in
the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with
whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just
a few years, my father will pass, and I'll inherit his large fortune."

Impressed, the woman took his business card. Three months later, she
became Joe's stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

OH. MY. GAWD.

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia / West Virginia State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

HAHAHA!!! I <3 good ol' boys. Best kinda peoples.

Ok, this is sooooooo bad, it's funny.


> Three Ladies in a Sauna
>
>
> THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN
> A SAUNA.
>
> SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
> AND THE
> BEEP STOPPED.
>
> THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID.
> I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
>
> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
> PALM TO HER EAR.
>
> WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.. I HAVE A
> MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
> SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE
> SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
>
> SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
>
> THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
> THAT.....I'M GETTING A
> FAX!!