A wife was sitting on the living-room couch watching her favorite
show on the Food Network when her husband walked in.

"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, she asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.

SENIOR MOMENT :



I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I remembered . . . . .. . . . . . I was listening to my iPod....

How many Jorge's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, he'd quickly change the lightbulb so that he could get back to watching Hannah Montana.

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:



1. He called everyone brother



2. He liked Gospel



3. He didn't get a fair trial





But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:



1. He went into His Father's business



2. He lived at home until he was 33



3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God





But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:



1. He talked with His hands



2. He had wine with His meals



3. He used olive oil





But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was aCalifornian:



1. He never cut His hair



2. He walked around barefoot all the time



3. He started a new religion





But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was anAmerican Indian:



1. He was at peace with nature



2. He ate a lot of fish



3. He talked about the Great Spirit



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:



1. He never got married..



2. He was always telling stories.



3. He loved green pastures.



But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:



1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food



2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it



3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do





Can I get an AMEN??

Haha. That was pretty good.

I'm in a class studying the history and development of riddles and jokes...seriously.

my new favorite: Confucious say girl in stretch pants get stern look

Fun fact, there are 4 major categories of proverbs and 9 subcategories (one of which is riddles & jokes)

I just can't laugh with these 'religious jokes' :/ they all fail to be funny

THere was a boy who, no matter where his parents sent him to school, he could never seem to get his grades up. The parents searched all over, sending him to some of the greatest schools in the country that a 7-year-old can go to. Finally, after they had exhausted most of their money, they sent him to the catholic school down the road from their house. The first day, the son came home, ate a snack, went to his room and studied til bedtime. Day after day he did this for three weeks and his grades improved exponentially. His mother was so overjoyed at this development. She didnt know how he was improving, but she lkiked it. One day, she went and asked him why he had changed so much and why he always came homeand stuideid so hard. The boy answered:"On the first day, when I went to school and saw that guy nailed up on the wall, I knew they wasnt playing."

oldschooldoom wrote:

SENIOR MOMENT :



I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I remembered . . . . .. . . . . . I was listening to my iPod....

HYMN #365‏


This is a hoot - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously, and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Smile - life is too short not to!!

See you at the river!!

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What did the fish say that ran into a wall?

Oww.

Strike 1.
Thanks for playing. Try again.

Did he say quack?

Huh ?

This is not that difficult

HINT, probably the same thing you would say if you ran into a wall.

C'mon let's keep it clean. Guess away

I WOULD SAY OUCH!
I HATE THIS GAME!
IM GOIN TO EAT TACOS!
*runs off*
And no, you cant have none.

Strike three, that was fun for me.

While he is out eating "TACOS", the simple answer was 'Dam!". The poor little fish sad "Dam". Get it?

That's not funny.

Oops, I thought them TACOS would have helped with your mood.

MOODDOOMMOODDOOMMOODDOOMMOODDOOMMOODDOOMMOODDOOM

Where do you send children with ADD?

















Concentration camps

^ I dunno, tell us the answer PUHLEEZE.
==========================
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune…

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.