You might be a reneck if...

You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.

You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

You might be a redneck if...

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

WARNING!!! BAD PUN BELOW!!!

Our local catholic church has plans to bring its parishioners to services by bus.

They plan to call it mass transit.

LOL

Riverrat wrote:

You might be a redneck if...



You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Wise old Sayings

1) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown
2) A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net
3) A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell
4) A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown
5) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown
6) A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn
7) A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625)
A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown
9) A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
10) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder"

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. <------- Actually for the Messykuns.

Ummmm.... ok, here's three!

A baby seal walked into a club....

A duck walked into a bar one night, he walked up to the bartender who promptly called animal control. Animal control promptly removed him from the bar and released him at the local park.

What do you call an Arab flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

"What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?"
















Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

A frog walks into a bank...










A frog goes into a bank & approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief & asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger & that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," & produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink & perfectly formed. Very confused Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager & disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager & says, "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you & wants to borrow $30,000 & he wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(folks,you're gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her & says...




"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a

loan His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Three guys were all at a deer camp and no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said: "Man, what happened to you?”

He said: "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing —hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said: "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said: “Man, that Bob shakes the Roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.


"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it.

They said: "Man, what happened?"

He said: "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and

kissed him good night. . . . . Bob sat up and watched me all night."

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Oh Lord.

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

^^ those last 2 were great, Eldon! That one about the Baptist Church was a hoot! I'll have to tell that one to the folks in the worship team at my Baptist Church!

A banker comes home late one night. His wife asks him "Where have you been?" He says, "sorry, honey, I got held up at work."

Hguols wrote:

Two guys are sitting in a bathtub.
One says to the other,
"Can you pass me the soap?".

The other guy says,
"What do you think I am, a radio?".

^_^

Sorry, wrong place for that kind of joke. You're supposed to get a group of people who have already heard the same joke so that when you tell it to a complete stranger, everyone else purposely laughs while the receiver stands dumbfounded at the punchline.

Ha huck , now I get it. Thanks The Regulator.

A LITTLE MORE CHURCH HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy,
Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.


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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


=======

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and
couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."


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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage
obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The
attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..


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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt". Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the
day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."


=======

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof
repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


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Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

FW: #2 PENCIL‏

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.