oldschooldoom wrote:

FW: #2 PENCIL‏

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS ^ Is awesomeness that man has not seen for many moons.

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and
gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just
inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking
driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl.

'What about you? '


'I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,'

Replied the little boy.



They discover that they are both going the same way

So they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.



'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'

Replied the little boy.



'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull

Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'



'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.

'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'



So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy looked at her and finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices , however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies



The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'



He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed out the R ! We missed out the R !
We missed out the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...


CELEB R ATE !!!

HOLY EMAIL

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.


When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.


God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'


So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'



God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?




Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua!"

Young musician asking for directions
Q: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

A: ?

^ Older musician answers
A:Practice, practice, practice

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho Cheese!

^_^

^ I think that is the funniest thing I heard out of you

Now for a not so funny funny from me:

An older gentleman needed surgery. His son was a renowned
surgeon. The man insisted that his son perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to
his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, Do your best and just remember, if
it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Multiple Riddle Time

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?


4. How Do You Get Holy Water?


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?



7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?



9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?


10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?


11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?


12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?


14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?


16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?


17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?


18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?


19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?


21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?


22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Anyone want to take a poke at these above? ANYONE??
I'll wait a couple more days and reveal all. Going take it ALL off!