What do you call a bear with no teeth?











A GUMMY BEAR! :]

Oh, and I just texted my friend Richie to ask for a riddle/joke and he goes:

"What do male ghosts like about female ghosts? Booooooooooobs."

Wow. Just wow. Haha.

^

^ them is funny jokes, me likes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This little girl comes home from her first day at school and says,
"I'm never going to school again!"

Her father asks why.

She says, "The teacher said the 5+5 = 10. Then she said the 6+4 = 10,
and 7+3 = 10 and 8+2 = 10 and 9+1 = 10."

The father asks, "What's your point?"

"She needs to make up her mind!'

While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station
on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960's.

"You know, Ron, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg
when I was young."

"Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to
turn it off."

oldschooldoom wrote:

While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station
on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960's.

"You know, Ron, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg
when I was young."

"Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to
turn it off."

I am not Lysdexic

Maybe,someday I'll talk about how I don't procrastinate

Matt was on vacation in Atlantic City, playing the slot machines. It
was his first time in a casino, and wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," he said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and
operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" asked Matt.

"Usually at the ATM."

A book that was never written: Run to the Outhouse by Justin Time

^ reminds me of:

60 Paces to the Outhouse by Will E Makit

The Key To Happiness by Sarah Tonin

(Btw, I just came up with that someone's probably beat me to it though lol)

Here's a groaner:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn't much,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but the reception was excellent.

oldschooldoom wrote:

Here's a groaner:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn't much,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but the reception was excellent.

Actually lol'd at that one.

got this one in my e-mail earlier....

" A Russian arrives in
New York City as a new
immigrant to the United
States . He stops the
first person he sees walking
down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American
for letting me into this
country,
giving me housing, food
stamps,
free medical care, and
a free education!"

The passerby says,
"You are mistaken, I am
a Mexican."

The man goes on and
encounters another
passerby. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful
country here in America ."
The person says, "I not
American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks
farther, and the next person he
sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and
says,
"Thank you for
wonderful America !"

That person puts up his
hand and says, "I am
from Middle East .
I am not American."

He finally sees a nice
lady and asks, "Are you
an American?"

She says, "No, I am
from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the
Americans?"

The African lady checks
her watch and says,
"Probably at work."

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now.

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers:

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr ------------ I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -------- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip ?

Bobby Darin ------------ Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack ---------- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ----------- I Can't See Clearly Now !

Paul Simon -------------- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ----- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ------------- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem ----------- A Whiter Shade of Hair!

Leo Sayer --------------- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ----- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

ABBA --------------------- Denture Queen!

Tony Orlando ---------- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ----------- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore!

Leslie Gore ------------- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want Too !

And my favorite:

Willie Nelson ----------- On the Commode Again!!

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN.

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

( The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

^ Funny, funny thanx
===========================================

A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked
him how he made out.

"Not bad. The doctor told me that I have Math Dyslexia."

The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad."

"Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5
people have it."

For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to
recognize my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at
the screen, I said, "There's part of the problem. It shows my birth
date as 12/30/1899."

"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June, not December."

777 wrote:

What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your house back, your car back, your wife back, your dog back...it can go on and on.

This one never made much sense to me.
Oh well.
My favourite so far is probably the guard tower one.


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the law. They come to a train at rest on the track and hide in one of the cars among numerous crates. The cops begin searching the train, and one enters that car. He begins to poke around and kick some of the crates. He kicks the crate in which the brunette is hiding. "Cluck, cluck, bu-GAWK!" she says. Believing it's just a crate full of chickens, the cop proceeds to the next crate, in which the redhead is hiding. He taps on it with his nightstick. "Quack, quack!" she says. He is fooled once more and moves to the crate in which the blonde is hiding. He kicks it. "Potatoes," she says.

Theonymic wrote:

777 wrote:

What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your house back, your car back, your wife back, your dog back...it can go on and on.

This one never made much sense to me.

Contry music is depressing, normally the guy talks about how he lost his house, his car, his wife and oh hey! his dog too... so when he rewinds the song he gets all those things back.

get it?:0

oldschooldoom wrote:

^ reminds me of:

60 Paces to the Outhouse by Will E Makit

that book was edited by: Doris Loct