oldschooldoom wrote:

HYMN #365‏


This is a hoot - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously, and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Smile - life is too short not to!!

See you at the river!!

AWESOME! That was hilarious, made my morning

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.

There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table,

So, John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts."

Grandma says, "You're welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I
can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
>
> I took ten dollars out of my wallet and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

> 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
>
> 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
>
> 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
>
> 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
>
> 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
>
> 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
>
> The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
>
> I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

a day late but here goes:

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"


As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman..

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
0A"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

Four worms and a lesson to be
learned!!!!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed in to four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of
cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of
chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of
good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead



Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the Church Service --

Today you get 10 mini jokes at once

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



________________________________________________________



A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."



_________________________________________________________

It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. "My, you're pretty!" he said. "Have I asked you to marry me yet?"

"No, you haven't," I gushed.

"Good. Because I couldn't put up with this every morning."

_________________________________________________________

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."



_________________________________________________________

At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

_________________________________________________________

A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

_________________________________________________________



A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," says the second owner.

"How do you know?"

"My dog told me."

_________________________________________________________



I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

_________________________________________________________



Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.



_________________________________________________________



My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST


An older gentleman had an appointment to

see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"Yes, I have your name here; you want to see the doctor about your impotence, right?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor that did yours."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

Learning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace
vodka martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued
the following memo:

To All Employees:

If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey. It is much
better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

Not a riddle or a joke, just a sad er...funny state of affairs called 'Toilet Talk'
================================================

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

A political riddle with the answer included
==========================

Ye who loves Obama jokes...I bring forth to ye

The Riddle....



Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The
Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one,
but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

A redneck family from the hills of Tennessee was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and
son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not
taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy...................go gitcha momma"

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the
drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered
some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of
ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly
and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes,
wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a
frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for
the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps
melting!"

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet ...

God willing, someday you will be....

The $2.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then," my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.







DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was
pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed
that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I
teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A
teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the
limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the
rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I
receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math,
then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-
where without teachers, I'd say zero."

He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite
subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

Tom's Problem

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Jerry is playing at school and asks his friend if he has any blue ink. The friend gasps and goes to tell the teacher. The teacher calls Jerry over and asks him what he said. He said" All I did was ask for blue ink" The teacher was like "That's it young man, you're going to the principals office!" THe principle asks Jerry what he s...aid, and Jerry answers, "All I said was blue ink!!!" The principle then said, "That's it, I've had enough with you, you're expelled from school!" When he got home his mom asked him why he was expelled. Jerry said "All I did was ask for blue ink!" The mom gasps and sends him to his dad. The dad goes "Son, what did you do to get expelled" Jerry answers, "All I did was ask for blue ink!" So the dad beats up Jerry and kicks him out of the house. Jerry finds a hobo. The hobo asks him why he is out here, he is so young. Jerry was like, "Look man, all I did was ask for blue ink, then I got expelled, and my dad kicked me out of the house" The hobo gets ticked off and beats the crap out of Jerry. The cops see this and ask Jerry what happened. Jerry answers" I got kicked out of my house, and this hobo beat me up, just because I said blue ink" Thje cops then yelled "You're under arrest!!!" They take him to a judge. The judge asks Jerry for his story. Jerry replies, "All I did was ask for blue ink, then I got expelled from school, kicked out of my house, beat up by a hobo, and arrested" The judge gasps, "That's it, I'm sentencing you to 30 years in jail!" Jerry is thrown in to jail. His inamte asks him why he is in here. Jerry is smart this time, He says "oh no, I'm not telling you what I did, it has gotten me in too much trouble already" The inmate then went "OOOOOOOh, you said blue ink didn;t you!!" I knew someone who ended up here for that as well. Tell ya what, when we get out of here, I'll take you to him, he'll explain to you why saying blue ink is so bad" Jerry agrees. 30 years later, he is released from prison. He finds this guy he is looking for. He finds the street. The man's house is across the street, so Jerry begins to walk to his house.


This is it, he is about to find the answer to all of his problems.
He'll finally know why he was thrown in jail.




He walks across the street...


but then he gets hit by a car and dies.

READ TO THE BOTTOM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels.



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night......one o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned at around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her..."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her feet. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.






Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

BLONDE JOKE
================================================
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
> the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just
> go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for
> free!'
>
> The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't
> you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp,
> determined to catch an alligator.
>
> Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same
> young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
>
> As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
> rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
> the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more
> dead gators all lying belly up.
>
> The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the
> blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its
> back.
>
> Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
>
>
> 'DARN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now.......

oldschooldoom wrote:

BLONDE JOKE
================================================
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
> the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just
> go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for
> free!'
>
> The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't
> you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp,
> determined to catch an alligator.
>
> Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same
> young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
>
> As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
> rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot
> the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more
> dead gators all lying belly up.
>
> The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the
> blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its
> back.
>
> Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
>
>
> 'DARN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

How Many Christians Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Pentecostals: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?

oldschooldoom wrote:

How Many Christians Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Pentecostals: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?

This is win

oldschooldoom wrote:

How Many Christians Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

HAHAHA!

Potatoes!!

A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and decide to hide in a barn.

As they hear the police closing in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a convincing "woof woof". He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect cat's meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the one containing the blonde. She yelled out "potatoes!!!"

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."