Reminds me of the pilot episode of Red vs Blue.

Your Duck is Dead:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
Are you ready for the punch line???


The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

Q. What kind of sticks do rock bands like?
















A. Drumsticks

oldschooldoom wrote:

Your Duck is Dead:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
Are you ready for the punch line???


The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but.....with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

keep them coming

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."

A company was doing a security audit of its network. During the audit, it was discovered that one woman's password was
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy."

The auditors asked why she had such a long password. She replied that she was told that passwords must be at least eight characters.

nice

A man walks into a bar.

He awakens later, with a bent bar in front of him. That must have hurt a lot.

Here are some quirky humorous little quotes, and a joke:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
__________________

Moses came back to the Isrealites after talking to God about the commandments about to be instated.

Moses says to the people, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

"The good news is, I've got him down to 10...."
"The bad news is 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' is still on the list."

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were
led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest
had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the
warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The
Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a
last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could
you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and
asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...behind him.

Walking faster he looks back,and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him...faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heels of the terrified man...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything...but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...the coffin stops!

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's reported to be true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the a##%ole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

LONG ONE

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.


If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .


We shall now show you the way to the sound.


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ..


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.





.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a good time. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

I won't give the answer for 72 hours for my riddles. I will put up a riddle before that if any of you can get it before the 3 day term is out.

Here goes first one.

A man who works at a shoe shop walks home everyday to his apartment tower. It is 20 stories high and his apartment is on the 15th floor. If he goes home by himself, he takes the elevator up to the 11th floor and walks the rest of the way up to his apartment using the stairs. If he goes home with a guest, he rides the elevator straight up to the 15th floor. Why does he do this?

(You are free to ask me questions, providing that it answerable with a yes or no.)

We give up

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

olias wrote:

I won't give the answer for 72 hours for my riddles. I will put up a riddle before that if any of you can get it before the 3 day term is out.

Here goes first one.

A man who works at a shoe shop walks home everyday to his apartment tower. It is 20 stories high and his apartment is on the 15th floor. If he goes home by himself, he takes the elevator up to the 11th floor and walks the rest of the way up to his apartment using the stairs. If he goes home with a guest, he rides the elevator straight up to the 15th floor. Why does he do this?

(You are free to ask me questions, providing that it answerable with a yes or no.)

I know it's probably not this simple, but perhaps he takes the stairs to the 11th floor and walks the rest of the way for exercise, but doesn't make the guest endure walking up the stairs.

oldschooldoom wrote:

We give up

lol

Ten Signs You Are Too Old for Halloween

· You get winded from knocking on the door.

· You have to have someone chew the candy for you.

· You ask for high fiber candy only.

· When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

· People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

· When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.

· By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.

· You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.

· You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

· You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Theonymic wrote:

olias wrote:

I won't give the answer for 72 hours for my riddles. I will put up a riddle before that if any of you can get it before the 3 day term is out.

Here goes first one.

A man who works at a shoe shop walks home everyday to his apartment tower. It is 20 stories high and his apartment is on the 15th floor. If he goes home by himself, he takes the elevator up to the 11th floor and walks the rest of the way up to his apartment using the stairs. If he goes home with a guest, he rides the elevator straight up to the 15th floor. Why does he do this?

(You are free to ask me questions, providing that it answerable with a yes or no.)

I know it's probably not this simple, but perhaps he takes the stairs to the 11th floor and walks the rest of the way for exercise, but doesn't make the guest endure walking up the stairs.

Simple...Yes. Exercise...No.

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She went to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed & the instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course but he'd see what he could do.

The next day she returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied. He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"



Have a great week and a happy Halloween

ELAN wrote:

A man walks into a bar.

He awakens later, with a bent bar in front of him. That must have hurt a lot.

olias wrote:

Pretend olias' riddle is here

tis because he is a tiny man.
He can't reach above the 11 button when he's alone
He has people push it for him when there are other people.