Please pray for me and my spiritual brother in German, Holger Retzar. I have broken down so badly from recent events that I will not go into that I have been having almost supernaturaly STRONG urges to commit suicide. I have been weeping much. I have lost like 10 lbs in a week.. for not being able to eat.

I found out today.. that my friend and spiritual brother in Germany Holger Retzar.. has also been stricken with some very similar problems that have made him unable to function normally. He spoke to me that he believes that we have a path God has given us to follow and that we are being attacked to keep us from following it. His words were as revelation to me. I have been praying for help and answers to what is going on.. and his words of this answered much.

If you can pray for us.. that God deliver me and my friend Holger.. out from this great darkness.. I would appreciate it. I know I need it.. and he does too.

Praying right now, Ash.

thanks..

I am praying for you Ash. Right now.

thanks I was supposed to go up to a relativea house today and join them for the 4th of july dinner.. there was no way.. The only way I can describe this.. is that I feel completely repulsed at even looking outside my door at the world outside or in my apartment or at the streets of the city in live in.. to the point where I want.. no I Need to escape them, because they literally hurt to be in.. acutely. ( ii know this sounds weird, but i believe it is definitely a spiritual attack, at least partially ) I found myself on my second floor balcony finding delight in looking down at the pavement with an urge to climb onto the roof and jump off. It is good that I do not own a gun.

But I already feel much calmer this evening and over-all a little better, like something has released me partially from it's grip. Over the last week.. it comes and goes though.. and is related to some events that have been going on.. and at least one of the events is coming to an end.. so I hope I will began to recover soon.

I have a recommendation, amidst the prayers.
Get out a piece of paper, and make a gratitude list.
(or type it if you wish)

List all the things you're grateful for.

Can't think of anything? Start with a "not" list.

You're not in a cell.
You're not in a wheelchair.
You're not wondering where your next meal is coming from....

I'm betting after about 40-50, you'll start to feel even better.

ever thought of some good old counseling or medication...
suicide is a serious subject

Praying Ash.
And Huggles, thats a brilliant idea!
It does make you feel better.

Praying for you and Holger as well, dear Ash! Get well soon!

Btw. you did such a great work with your new music, I love it!

Jim wrote:

ever thought of some good old counseling or medication...
suicide is a serious subject

Both important things.

Oh believe me. I have already been hitting the anti-depressant and sedative. They are useful things. but do very little. My counseling is with certain people that I know.. not with some rich psychologist who has been pampered all his life and wouldn't know what real trouble is if it landed on him. yea.

Torrente wrote:

Praying for you and Holger as well, dear Ash! Get well soon!

Btw. you did such a great work with your new music, I love it!

thanks Ulrich. Your name is mentioned twice in the Cd.. under lyrical assistance and spiritual support.

Kameraden bis zum Ende?

Kameraden, Ash!

Cooking makes me feel better. I reflect my feelings when I cook. I felt bitter, so I made a steak marinaded with bitter liquids, and with a side of raw bitter vegetables. It is rather cathartic. But that's just me. Or I shoot stuff. But that is hardly poetic. Well...it can be.

olias wrote:

Cooking makes me feel better. I reflect my feelings when I cook. I felt bitter, so I made a steak marinaded with bitter liquids, and with a side of raw bitter vegetables. It is rather cathartic. But that's just me. Or I shoot stuff. But that is hardly poetic. Well...it can be.

*reads 3 times*

That.

Is.

Awesome.

I love cookiing Olias.. but I haven't done it for quite some time. It is therapeutic.

The most therapeutic thing I know though, is dancing.. if it's the right place and musik.

Kamerad Ash wrote:

I love cookiing Olias.. but I haven't done it for quite some time. It is therapeutic.

The most therapeutic thing I know though, is dancing.. if it's the right place and musik.

Having a pet may work too

Kamerad Ash wrote:

I love cookiing Olias..

Don't cook him!!!!!

Kamerad Ash wrote:

Jim wrote:

ever thought of some good old counseling or medication...
suicide is a serious subject

Both important things.

Oh believe me. I have already been hitting the anti-depressant and sedative. They are useful things. but do very little. My counseling is with certain people that I know.. not with some rich psychologist who has been pampered all his life and wouldn't know what real trouble is if it landed on him. yea.

thats quite a naive statement

Hguols wrote:

Kamerad Ash wrote:

I love cookiing Olias..

Don't cook him!!!!!

Hmm.. do Mexicans taste like chicken or more like spicy pollo asada? ha..

Kamerad Ash wrote:

Hguols wrote:

Kamerad Ash wrote:

I love cookiing Olias..

Don't cook him!!!!!

Hmm.. do Mexicans taste like chicken or more like spicy pollo asada? ha..

Mexicans taste like people.

.....mmm.... ....Cole slaw.....

I. hate. Cole Slaw.

olias wrote:

I. hate. Cole Slaw.

No!

Praying for you

Also the last thing you need to do is stay at home... make yourself go somewhere.. and meet with people who are spiritually stable and can support you during this time.

Ps. I'm studying to be a counselor... and I am broke... pretty sure they aren't all that bad