Today I've spent a few good hours reading a book, listening to good music and thinking about my life and the way I choose to live it. Without putting unnecessary strain on myself, I've realized things about myself that I'd like to change. Some of them are:

1. I cuss way too much. And by "too much" I mean that it affects the way I feel, negatively. I'm making an effort not to attach an F-bomb to every other sentence just because.

2. This is harder to admit to than the above, but I almost compulsively think degrading thoughts about women, racial minorities and gays. I've justified this in the past by telling myself that it's all in jest, but I do feel that those thoughts desensitize me to mistreatment of people. I don't want to be another vapid, careless young adult who takes abuse and discrimination of other people in stride.

3. I have a bad tendency to very casually make choices with very little thought just because they're easy or feel right at the time. I want to take back control and develop the courage to endure trying times without taking the easy way out.

4. I'm way too concerned about whether what I say or do might offend other people. I act differently depending on whom I'm around. I of course am aware that worrying about losing a friend over something sincere that I say or do is silly and pointless, because if who I really am offends someone, they're not a real friend of mine in the first place. But somehow I haven't reflected that awareness in my actions.

5. Too often I back away from the possibility that something I've done wasn't courageous or purposeful. I'll use any loophole I can find in order to rationalize something I've done; I don't even entertain the possibility that I might've made a mistake. But I realize that in doing so, I deny myself the opportunity to discover real nobleness through my mistakes. It's time for me to recognize myself as a fallible human being who still has a lifetime's worth of learning ahead of him.

You might be wondering why I've decided to share this with y'all, and I guess I have because I have a lot of great friends here and I'm sure some of you might have good insight to share. To end this post on an all too corny note, I hope this has inspired you to take the same road and honestly reassess yourself and your life, and then make the right changes accordingly. If I can do it, you surely can too.

The Last Firstborn wrote:

Today I've spent a few good hours reading a book, listening to good music and thinking about my life and the way I choose to live it. Without putting unnecessary strain on myself, I've realized things about myself that I'd like to change. Some of them are:

1. I cuss way too much. And by "too much" I mean that it affects the way I feel, negatively. I'm making an effort not to attach an F-bomb to every other sentence just because.

2. This is harder to admit to than the above, but I almost compulsively think degrading thoughts about women, racial minorities and gays. I've justified this in the past by telling myself that it's all in jest, but I do feel that those thoughts desensitize me to mistreatment of people. I don't want to be another vapid, careless young adult who takes abuse and discrimination in stride.

3. I have a bad tendency to very casually make choices with very little thought just because they're easy or feel right at the time. I want to take back control and develop the courage to endure trying times without taking the easy way out.

4. I'm way too concerned about whether what I say or do might offend other people. I act differently depending on whom I'm around. I of course am aware that worrying about losing a friend over something sincere that I say or do is silly and pointless, because if who I really am offends someone, they're not a real friend of mine in the first place. But somehow I haven't reflected that awareness in my actions.

5. Too often I back away from the possibility that something I've done wasn't courageous or purposeful. I'll use any loophole I can find in order to rationalize something I've done; I don't even entertain the possibility that I might've made a mistake. But I realize that in doing so, I deny myself the opportunity to discover real nobleness through my mistakes. It's time for me to recognize myself as a fallible human being who still has a lifetime's worth of learning ahead of him.

You might be wondering why I've decided to share this with y'all, and I guess I have because I have a lot of great friends here and I'm sure some of you might have good insight to share. To end this post on an all too corny note, I hope this has inspired you to take the same road and honestly reassess yourself and your life, and then make the right changes accordingly. If I can do it, you surely can too.

Awesome post man! I can relate some of what you're talking about, others you've mentioned, I've already addressed and have different issues. I think anyone, no matter where they're at, if they're doing what they can to improve themselves, that's so awesome in my book.

Very admirable man. My response to your points with myself:

1 - I have two jobs where I CAN'T cuss (as a counselor in training, duh) and I'm pretty good at that. I do swear in moderation when I deem applicable or "appropriate". (appropriate swearing? ^_^ I don't swear at anyone or out of anger. Usually to ad punch to my class-clown-ness among close friends.)

2 - I've got a similar one to this - though not related to race, sexual orientation or women. I actually struggle with people being objects of my amusement over the internet. I mean, I can't see them and sometimes I don't pull any punches with what I say or damages I can do, or even portray myself as an ass. "It doesn't matter, it's on the internet." I'm working on that a bit....

3 - Compulsive & Impulsive. Something that was my downfall several years ago, but now I do everything I can to think about what I'm doing or about to do. I'm sure there are times where I think too much about it....

4 - This one, I can't relate to. My filter is somewhat broken when it comes to interactions on the internet, but its getting to be the same way in real life. I believe part of it is my ego and well.... my image. I'm usually not deliberate if there's malice involved. ....but, I certainly don't regret saying something to someone because there are no consequences. No one voices huge disapproval with me in person because.... well, I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I look like I could throw a truck at a plane. This hasn't caused me any problems yet, but it could....

5 - Can't relate to this one too much. I can definitely admit when I'm wrong, and look for it all the time. (more-so in real life than for the objects of my amusement on the interwebs.)

A few other things that I'm doing, I'm getting strict with my diet... not just going for strength, but I'm ready to tone up just a bit. (hopefully, I won't lose too much strength). I'm also going to try to do something in regards to my brother....

We've had a falling out so to speak, and I'm lucky to see several times a year. (and he lives just a few miles from my parents who I see every other week)

^ _ ^

Joey, I've watched you mature tremendously over the past few years. I remember back in the day on FS when you were "Onyx" and an ignorant, overly sensitive little punk still in the peak of your adolescent years. I didn't like you one bit, and if I'm not mistaken you didn't like me much either, but slowly over the years you eventually matured into who you are now: someone with much more of a head on his shoulders than 2 years ago, someone who has figured himself out much more than before after countless hours of introspection, but still someone who has a lot to figure out (as we all do!) and is influenced too easily by the need for acceptance (though not in the standard sense of wanting to fit in with the majority, but rather wanting to fit in with the minority). There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding your niche and fitting in to a degree, but be your own man, dude; make your own decisions and like what you like because you like it (you've gotten much better with this over the years...).

Now, this is only what I gather from what YOU choose to share with the world, and how YOU present yourself, so I could be totally off, but this is how I read you over the years I have known you and watched you mature into the sharp, well-spoken, open-minded young adult you are now.

Thanks for sharing.